I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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