i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
