I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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