my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
