New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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