You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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