Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
