don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
