It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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