stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
do nipples grow back?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
