i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
