my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
