That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
