apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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