You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
