I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
