She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
