You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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