Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
