physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
