i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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