And the cops told us we were all naked.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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