yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
