i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
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I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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