I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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