you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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