she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
