True but thats because hes a fetus.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
