Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
