There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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