I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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