i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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