I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
