The brown eye won't let me do that either.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
