saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
