That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
