i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
