my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
