My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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