My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
