Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
