how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
