i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Randomize
