Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
