Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
