I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
