Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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