If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
NoShamevember. You game?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
