the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
how does that bad decision feel?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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