Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
