Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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