Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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