This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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