Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
