fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
