He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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