even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
