Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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