We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
