Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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